Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
But tears keep leaking from my eyes
Just like the little child who hides
Those nightmares that I feared before
Always lurked behind a door
But now I’m grown enough to see
The monsters lie inside of me
There’s no escape, no way to run
Just let the monsters have their fun
Soon they’ll leave, the sun will shine
And then pretend that all is fine
But soon enough, back they’ll be
Never even warning me
So here I lie, curled in a ball
And hope they fade back in the wall
But free from them I’ll never be
For they are inside of me
Within the creases of my brain
The monsters come, and with them pain
I wish that I could end this curse
But wishing only makes it worse
So don’t be mad or sad for me
Help fight the monsters I can’t see
I’m back in the states, as strange as that sounds even after nearly six months, and struggling. I honestly don’t know where I’m going or what I’m going to do if I cannot get into Vet school. So. Welcome to my boring life. Maybe I’ll actually figure out something to say to you after I survive this semester. Just a few more days.
What this means is I now have the whole duplex to myself… it’s quite the strange feeling to have two of us gone. We’ve been together every day for nearly ten months. I keep expecting to have Melissa walk through the door at home and have conversations about any and everything on the random. I don’t have anyone to turn the hot water on for me when she goes to bed before I get off… sounds selfish, but I just found it awesome that Melissa never forgot. I think what is the strangest though is thinking about going home… I’m excited, really excited actually, but at the same time, it feels… odd, as though I’m leaving my life.
The only thing I can compare this feeling to is when I left to come here. When I left home I was vacating my life to go somewhere else and live… now, I’m going back to that life, but both it and I have changed. I guess you can only understand if you’ve had two different lives in two different places… I’m leaving my new friends to go back to old friends, some who might not even realize I was gone for ten months. I’m leaving my new home to go back to my old home that has changed in my absence. I’m leaving my new life that I’ve grown into and returning to my old life that I feel does not fit me anymore. The worst part is, I will be a stranger in my own world.
Alas, I have eleven days before I vacate my life here, instead of sulking and pondering what could go wrong in my head, I shall instead live it up, enjoy my last few days as a dean at Maxwell, and enjoy my last bit of time in the beautiful country of Kenya.
The tears threaten to spill
To show the world what’s inside
But I hold them back with iron will
None need see what lies within
They wouldn’t understand even if they did
I’m simple yet complexity
Soft but impenetrability
You try to help, but I regress
I’m not your damsel in distress
I wanted to be the knight
But my strength is never there
So I wait in hope with tears to fight
For someone to come riding here
Do I wait in vain? For someone who’s not there
Or is someone waiting for their cue
No matter the truth
I remain here
Hiding, crying, wishing
Someone would hear
And yet I want to be alone
So not to spread my misery
To those who live so happily
I cower in my corner
As she danced, with flowers in her hair,
bare feet twirling across the grass,
a song on her lips,
a tune in her throat,
she sings to the rising sun.
Arms open wide
the sun kisses her cheeks and accepts her warm salutation.
So she lies in the grass,
the blades tickling her face as her eyes rove the sky.
The clouds are her dreams and they change as she grows,
ever they are at her fingertips…yet just out of reach.
Being a veterinarian is not always about puppies, sunshine, kitties and rainbows. This blog is about side the general public doesn't always see. Of course, there MAY be a cute kitten/puppy every now and then :)